State of the Produce Aisle Address

Oh hi there, I don’t know if we’ve met before. My name is Honeycrisp and I’m the greatest apple ever. What’s that? You’re not familiar with my work?  Well, I don’t like to toot my own horn, but BEEP-BEEP. When I’m not at my day job keeping doctors away, I spend my free time dominating every other apple in the produce aisle.

What’s that, Red Delicious? Did you say something? I can’t quite understand you. Perhaps if you weren’t so mushy in the mouth. Or maybe I just can’t hear you over the sound of how AWESOME I am. Oh, don’t be so bitter Red, you’ve got thick skin. Zing! Besides, you still look great and there’s no accounting for taste – especially if the taste is on par with tree bark. Score! Crisp 1, Red 0.

And how about you, Golden Delicious? You and Red have perhaps the most presumptuous names since that marginally famous wrestler “Mr. Wonderful” Paul Orndorf. Are you trying to compensate for something? Maybe if you spent less time on your names and more time on not sucking, you’d be worthy of the same shelf-space as me. Don’t get me wrong Goldy, you’re a sweet kid. You’d be halfway decent if you could hold up long enough to be eaten before the next grocery trip. Good lord, I’ve never seen so many bruises on an apple. What, were you held hostage by a paint shaker? Sorry Goldy, I shouldn’t judge you by my own standards. Not everyone can hold up in the fridge for FOUR MONTHS with next-to-no-deterioration in mind-blowing excellence. Ga-DOW!

Hey Granny Smith, you’ve been quiet over there. What gives? I thought you were the queen of crunch. You intimidated by the earth-rattling crack people get with every bite out of yours truly? Hey, you’ve still got flavor on your side though, right? Doesn’t everybody like to walk around with a Renee Zellweger-esq pucker on their face after every bite of their used-to-be favorite apple? Don’t worry Smith, you still go great with caramel, while I happen to go great with… ME. Boo-Yah!

Hey, listen up, any of you varieties out there who are itchin’ to go apples-to-apples – BRING. IT. ON. Because the Honeycrisp is ready to upset some apple carts! Rest assured, when I’m in town, I will sell out. I need no special pricing; I need no point-of-purchase displays; I need no circular mentions. The only advertising you’ll hear about moi is word-of-mouth… satisfied mouths. How do ya like them apples?