You Are What You Drink

This past weekend I was going to engage in my customary activities like volunteering as a bingo caller at the local nursing home, reading poetry and saving children from burning buildings — I’m sure you can relate. However, one of my roommates attempted to coerce me into going out to one of Milwaukee’s local watering-holes (or whatever it is kids are calling them these days) for another friend’s birthday. After much arm-twisting, and against my better judgement, I eventually obliged.

After arriving at this establishment, I scanned the room and saw people of all walks of life, different personalities and varying degrees of intoxication. Being the workaholic I am, I could not get the advertising world off my mind, particularly that of a branding process I was currently working on involving the 12 brand archetypes. For those of you who are unfamiliar, the 12 archetypes are based off of Carl Gustav Jung’s theories, in which each archetype symbolizes a basic human need, aspiration or motivation. In other words, an archetype is a human type in its purest form: the classic hero, outlaw, ruler, etc. Each type has its own set of values, meanings and personality traits. While observing the patrons and their actions, I started to realize that by seeing the drink each patron was consuming, I was able to get a pretty good idea of what archetype they fell into. Below are my extremely scientific findings.

1. The Innocent
Beverage of Choice: Soda, Water
Reasoning: Much like me, this is an individual who is wholesome, traditional, simplistic and has strong morals. No need for alcohol to get in the way of these goals. Although a rarity at most bars, this person is a great addition to all social circles, especially when they have a car.

2. The Regular Guy/Girl
Beverage of Choice: Miller High Life/PBR
Reasoning: Yes, contrary to what the hipsters might tell you Pabst Blue Ribbon is actually an Average Joe’s beer. This group of people also includes the down-to-earth everyman, working stiff and person next door. Due to their goal of belonging, they can often be found with other regular guys/girls.

3. The Explorer
Beverage of Choice: Absinthe
Reasoning: An untraditional drink for an untraditional person.  In an attempt to experience new things and escape boredom, what better than to sip a highly alcoholic, hallucinogenic drink? How to spot this person: although attire can vary, but tie-dye clothing, bandanas and dreadlocks are certainly good clues.

4. The Sage
Beverage of Choice: Any two drinks at the same time
Reasoning: This person is hitting it hard and, therefore, they’ve summoned the almighty ability of the all-knowing. If you have any questions about religion, politics or the best late night food option, they’ve got the answer. Are they right? Maybe not. Will they talk to you for any less than 10 minutes? Absolutely not.

5. The Hero
Beverage of Choice: Bloody Mary
Reasoning: This person is just trying to do everything at once, and succeeding. With one order they get their alcoholic beverage, vegetables, vitamins, minerals, a beer chaser and if they are lucky, a beef stick or two. Nope, this isn’t a miracle, it’s just the work of a hero.

6. The Outlaw
Beverage of Choice: Anything on the rocks
Reasoning: Rules are made to be broken; at least this is how The Outlaw sees it. Every person I have ever seen drinking something on the rocks looks more than capable of beating me up. Thankfully, only about a quarter of them follow through on it.

7. The Magician
Beverage of Choice: Bathroom Mouthwash
Reasoning: The average person probably just sees this as a common dental hygiene product. But POOF! The Magician has just laid their eyes on the only free alcohol in the entire bar. Besides being free, it’ll also make their breath smell better — both on the way down and back up.

8. The Lover
Beverage of Choice: Champagne
Reasoning: Champagne isn’t something you generally drink while you’re alone. It’s known as a celebratory drink you consume with friends, family and others who you are close to…or at least are looking to get close to.

9. The Jester
Beverage of Choice: Jäger Bomb, Vodka-Bomb and other drinks that end in “bomb”
Reasoning: One part alcohol, one part energy drink and two parts chaos. A quick way to gain energy while losing inhibitions, this person is undoubtedly going to be the comedian, practical joker and train wreck of the evening.

10. The Caregiver
Beverage of Choice: Wine
Reasoning: Because I couldn’t find anything else to put in this category and a blog about 11 of the 12 archetypes just wouldn’t work. Plus, the Brewers game is on right now and Greinke is on the mound. You couldn’t possibly expect me to miss that just because I can’t come up with a better drink and reasoning here, right? Besides, don’t all moms drink wine?

11. The Creator
Beverage of Choice: Three Olives Vodka, Absolut Vodka
Reasoning: Each brand has over 15 flavors of vodka; from the traditional (citrus, cherry, blueberry) to the not so traditional (root beer, bubble gum, and whatever a rangtang is). With a wide variety of concoctions to come up with, The Creator is bound to run out of money long before the bar run’s out of mixing options.

12. The Ruler
Beverage of Choice: Crown Royal, Grey Goose, Patrón and any other drink you’ve ever heard in a rap song
Reasoning: The most expensive drink in the bar for the most important person in the bar; or at least that’s how they see it. These people like to surround themselves with high-status products in order for people to perceive them as a high-status individual. (Sorry, I’m not fooled.)

So there are my highly scientific, precise and completely 100% accurate results of my research. Let me know what you think I missed, what I got wrong, and which category you fall into.